so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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