You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
They took my balls.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
