I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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