I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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