i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
