He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
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I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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