You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
