my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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