Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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