Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
