one word: firstdatebathroomanal
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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