i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
