I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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