I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
