Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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