If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
