I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
