Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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