last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
