My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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