omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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