Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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