last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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