Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
