we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
