I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
That accounts for only three of the penises
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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