no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
