mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
