My liver just broke up with me...
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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