last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
