when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
