I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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