I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
