Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
