When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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