I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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