Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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