I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
