Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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