Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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