My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
