I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
