did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
