i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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