im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
