i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
