I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
