i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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