I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
