i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
