After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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