I met the friendliest cop last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
