The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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