we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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