They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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