When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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