I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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