i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
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Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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