I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
