She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
