he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
this will be a night to untag.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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