My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
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The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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